Well here is a little update on my Juicy progress. This juice fast is going completely different than I anticipated...and not for the better. I have been hesitant to write because I don't want to discourage people...after all I am on here to inspire and encourage people to find greater health and deeper healing. I am a "special" case I guess, so keep that in mind as you read. I have been on my Juice feast for 18 days now...and I say feast instead of fast because I started drinking 4-5 liters of juice a day and some days would drink up to 8 liters of juice!...shhhhhhh.... That is probably really bad, but I would be making juice for the next day and I couldn't control myself some days..I just drank and drank...I was obviously hungry during those days, and I try to listen to my body, so I drank it. 4-5 liters of juice is more realistic...and there haven't been many days that I drank that much(8 liters), but my juice intake has always been at least 4 liters of just juice, and then 2-4 liters of water depending on the day. I find that I go through A Lot of food, especially leafy greens, but I get very excited watching the pulp separate from my juice, and think "Yey...my body doesn't have to process all of that pulp!!" As far as the juice I have been consuming it has been primarily veggie juice. I crave the veggies. Some days I can't bring myself to make fruit juices...which I have to say seems INSANE! Who doesn't like fruit juice...who would choose veggie juice over the sweet goodness of a fruit concoction?? Well me, and I wasn't just choosing it..my body was demanding the veggies. So as it asked, so as I gave.
I have purposely NOT weighed myself for a while, I know what my starting weight was and when I get to the point where I like what I see in the mirror....I will weigh myself again and tally up the weight release.
I have been measuring myself every 2 weeks though to keep track of my progress. Which brings me to the first sad truth. I have somehow actually gained some inches since I started the juice feast. WHAT!! How is that even possible?? Everyone else seems to lose weight fairly rapidly on the fast/feast. Here is the Tally comparing day 46 with day 76;
Breasts- I have released 2 inches all together, but have stayed the same since my fast.
Under breasts- I have released 2 inches all together, but have stayed the same since my fast.
Waist- I have released 11 inches all together, but have gained back one inch since the fast.
Hips- I have released 7 inches all together, but have gained back 1 inch since the fast.
Thighs- I have released 2.5 inches all together, and lost another .5 inches since the fast.
Biceps- I have released 1 inch all together, but haven't released any since the fast.
I was excited this morning reaching for my tape measure because I thought for sure the numbers would be very different. I was very disappointed at the results. However.... My body looks much smaller, feels much lighter, I can fit into jeans I couldn't get pulled on let alone actually done up a few weeks ago. I bought yoga pants at a regular store( those of you that buy your clothes at the 14+ store know how exciting it is when you can fit into something from a regular store!) I held them up and thought" There is NO WAY I could fit into those"...................But I did! ..........I did.
My body is reshaping. My skin is tightening. I have been taking MSM powder since I started the fast. I can't believe the difference in my skin even after just 18 days. The skin on my stomach is totally changing...smoothing out. Stretch marks from my 2 pregnancies are diminishing. I was worried as I lost weight that my skin would sag..but something great is happening. With the combination of eating Raw, juicing, and taking MSM and rubbing MSM on my problem areas. I am finding that my skin is lifting, tightening, transforming back to healthy younger flesh. WOW, now that is something to be HAPPY about!
Which brings us to sad truth number 2;
I am so emotionally just ........depressed. When I made the transition from a Standard American Diet to a Raw Diet. I felt emotionally like a huge veil was lifted and all the sunshine had found it's way to me. I was connected to all things, and I understood my purpose, and I was in a positive frame of mind. My hormones seemed to be naturally balanced and I was full of joy, light, and bliss. Well, I was excited to go on the juice fast because I was expecting to transcend to the next level of joy, connection, and bliss. Boy was I WRONG.
The first few days on the fast I was pretty happy. I didn't seem to have any physical detoxing symptoms. The transition from a raw- mostly smoothie and juice- diet was an easy one for me. After a few days went by I started to feel low energy, I was extra sensitive emotionally to everything, I was sad, very reactive to others energy. I was having my period so I just assumed it was a more intense PMSing. Even though since being raw I haven't really experienced any PMS, as we know it. Days went by and things were feeling worse, not better. I was falling into a depression. I kept on with the fast- knowing, as the days went by, that this was an emotional detoxing that people talk about...and that I hadn't experienced- just eating Raw. I persevered, telling myself that it would pass and there was light on the other side of it. My depression started getting worse, I didn't want to be around people, I had no tolerance for negative energy at all. I started thinking very negatively. I felt fat, useless, every possible thing I could think of to say negatively to myself I did. I wanted to start eating whatever I felt like..cooked, processed...anything I WANTED.........to start taking my medications again and give up this useless task of trying to heal my body. It wasn't going to work anyways...and who was I to think I could ever help people..I can't even help myself.
I did manage to get up every morning at 5:30 am and I did manage to drive my 36 year old boyfriend to work every morning. Then come home and get my kids lunches ready, my kids up and dressed and fed...making sure all their homework was done and signed. I did manage to get the kids to school..dropping them off with a kiss and a smile. Then I did manage to pick up my 37 year old EX- HUSBAND...and drive him to work while he told me what a loser my boyfriend was the whole time. While he threw insults at me...trying to convince me that I needed to come back and live with him.........ugg....... I did manage to go home and juice my juice for the day. Drink my liter of water with lemon. Take my MSM. Take my Phytoplankton with Goji Juice. Drink my 2 liters of juice before 2pm and get ready to check my blogs and Global juice feast group. I couldn't find any inspiration to blog..didn't want to admit how horrible I felt emotionally. Thought eventually it would pass and I could post about how amazing I felt again. I did manage to go shopping for the endless amounts of greens and veggies I needed to make my juices. I did manage to pick up my kids with a kiss and a smile. I did manage to pick up my 36 year old boyfriend from work. I did manage to talk to my ex about 10 times during all of my day. Trying to stay calm, trying not to engage him in a fight. Trying to ignore his tone of voice or his blame that I am purposely ruining every ones life that I know or love. I did manage to run my errands. I did manage to get home and make my evening soup/ juice. I did manage to get my kids and boyfriend fed. I did manage to play games with my kids and watch them play...remembering why I am trying to want to live this life...Yes they are worth trying for...they deserve to have their mother alive and in their life..healthy happy and whole........................
I did manage to do the kids homework with them, and watch a movie with them. I did manage to put them to bed with a kiss and a smile. I did manage to give my boyfriend the attention he needed. I did manage to meditate before I drifted off to sleep. I did manage to have a deep sleep. I did manage to wake up again the next morning feeling exhausted and run down..worn out and frustrated with my life.
Every day my moods were worse, my tolerance was low. My negative thoughts were my constant companions. I hated my life, I hated life period. I tried to ask my Ex not to call..I tried to ask him to find another way to work. I asked for 2 weeks of peace while I fasted so I could heal and stay calm. NO. I asked for 1 week. I didn't answer the phone....for the first 20 calls then I was getting so stressed I would answer..and I would listen, I would cry...I would feel trapped and frustrated with my in ability to make him leave me alone. I asked my Boyfriend to get insurance on his car for a week so I didn't have to feel responsible for him. He did, but he kept staying at my place with me. I didn't want to feel responsible for 2 grown men. Please..this is ridiculous.
What isn't working:
I started realizing why I was getting so depressed. I am sure it is obvious to anyone reading. Normally I could tolerate my crazy life...but when I started juicing. I started to be unable to look away. My rose colored glasses fell off. The issues were screaming..and ironically enough- so were the problems themselves.
Problem #1 - My ex
a) He hates my current boyfriend...and demands that I leave him...and feels that my BF is the reason why we are not back together. He seems to forget the last 13 years of our life...and does not want to take responsibility for the fact it was a nightmare....and it had nothing to do with poor BF. He will admit he did some things wrong...but he keeps focusing on my BF instead of seeing the bigger picture. I don't really want to go back..he wants me to go back....and I am beginning to see how his intent is stronger than mine.......I have to be more clear with what I want and don't want. I have to figure out what I want and don't want........for myself........not with any other opinions....................I have considered that I could always become a nun......and be by myself...with NO ONE in my life............that is not so unappealing anymore. I feel bad for having my family apart. I feel bad that my kids are sad that we aren't together...I would love to have us all together....but I can't picture myself being back in that life..........I hated it..I cried every day and was in a deep depression that swallowed me whole. I finally had the courage and strength to leave..it seems insane to even consider going back....it would be insane.
b)The other problem with D is that his Truck didn't pass air care and he is trying to fix it so it will pass..meanwhile he figures that I should automatically drive him..after all...he would do it for me ...wouldn't he? He is the stranded father of my children. I have been driving him for 3 weeks now.
Problem #2- My current boyfriend
a) Although I Love him very much and we have a great relationship. His life is not progressing forward like I feel it should. We have talked a lot about this. He has started making steps towards following his dreams of being a tattoo artist. Which is something that he wants me to do by his side...as I am an artist as well. It is totally something that we could do together...but is it what I want for MY life?? He has made a lot of positive changes in his life since we started dating...... and I am proud of him for the things he has done so far....I am just not sure it he is the person that I need standing beside me through this life. It makes me mad because half of the things my ex says about him are true...What can I say in defense of truth..Even if I don't want to see or admit it? Sometimes I wonder if we are right together. Being from different sides of the track DOES matter...as much as I hate to admit that. He grew up really rough, and I grew up in a Christan made bubble. Our morals, manners and expectations of life are different. As much as I believe love should conquer all..It makes me sad to realize that maybe love alone is not enough. I could see amazing possibilities for us when I first met him..and our energy was awesome together. There was so much passion, so much creativity. ( We are both artists)....I am changing...I am growing..I am healthier..I am torn about it really. I can see amazing possibilities...but I need to figure out how it all fits into my life plans............I fight it..I don't want to see. I don't want to let go. Somehow though, through the shifts taking place in me, I am already lifting away. I need a partner that can stand equally beside me. I cant drag anyone with me...it doesn't work that way. He wants to come with me and learn and grow..........I love him... I hope he can....................
Problem #3- Not feeling in control of my own life. Everyone around me seems to feel like they need to tell me how to run my life. Tell me who should be in it. How I should spend my time. Who I should spend my time with. Where I should be at any given time. I have too many Captains trying to steer this ship..and strangely I feel like I should be the Captain of MY OWN SHIP! I need to take back control
What is working:
I take Prednisone ( a Corto- steroid) for pain relief for my arthritis. I have been taking it for 11 years. I started taking it when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I haven't been able to get off of it, as over time your body/ adrenal system( that naturally makes 5 mg of Cortisone in your body daily) becomes dependant on the synthetic cortisone and stops producing it all together. Which makes you dependant on the medication for the cortisone.
I, at the highest dosage, was taking 25mg a day for 3 years...I have managed to go down to 5mg of prednisone a day...which is the amount your body naturally produces. I not only got down this far on my medication, but I did it very aggressively over the last few weeks. I have very little pain if any, and I am going to go down 1 mg per week from here on out...as well as I am supporting the adrenals in gently waking up the part that has been dormant for so long. So my body will be able to begin to make the cortisone by itself again. I will be free of the medication that has held me a slave for so long. The prednisone breaks down bone, and connective tissue. Creating massive weight gain and rounding of the face. It has caused me much misery and I will be happy to be free of it!
I have descended down into the greater depths of myself, faced the demons, and came out on top. I am freer, lighter, and happier. I am joyful about being able to acknowledge my darkness that was wriggling to be noticed and let go. I am only partially done at this point. Knowing what I have to do is only half of the battle. Taking back control of my life and dealing with life on my own terms is part. The other part is actually releasing the people from my life that are not adding to my life, that are not positive...that are actually a real drain on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I have a lot to do...better get at it!





